Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Family Visits
I don't have a large family. That being said, the family I do have is spread all over the country. Last month we took my father to California to see his brother and his niece. Earlier this month my niece came out to see her grandfather all the way from Connecticut.
My father wants so desperately to see his entire family before he dies. Yet I notice when he does have an opportunity to see a family member all he does is complain! My poor niece was bombarded with trivial nonsense that was triggered when my father saw her!
My father has so many complex and convoluted issues that even he can't keep up with his own feelings. Just the other day he said to me, "What is my eldest daughter's name? However, ask him what his beef is with his eldest daughter, and he can't spit it out fast enough! He remembers every dime he has given to people, and every fight or disagreement. But ask him if he enjoyed the movie, he saw last night and he'll ask, "what movie? We went to the movies last night?"
I love my family. I know dad loves them as well. Now if I can only get him to remember that the next time a family member visits.
My father wants so desperately to see his entire family before he dies. Yet I notice when he does have an opportunity to see a family member all he does is complain! My poor niece was bombarded with trivial nonsense that was triggered when my father saw her!
My father has so many complex and convoluted issues that even he can't keep up with his own feelings. Just the other day he said to me, "What is my eldest daughter's name? However, ask him what his beef is with his eldest daughter, and he can't spit it out fast enough! He remembers every dime he has given to people, and every fight or disagreement. But ask him if he enjoyed the movie, he saw last night and he'll ask, "what movie? We went to the movies last night?"
I love my family. I know dad loves them as well. Now if I can only get him to remember that the next time a family member visits.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
That's what you get when you have a 90-year-old move in with you!
Monday July 12, 2010
188 Days Since Accident
165 Days in Colorado
Where did all his energy come from?
Dad was up early today and when I came downstairs to make breakfast he sprang at me from his bedroom, slapped his hands together, and said, “So, what are the plans today?” I looked at him with one eye half-open and wondered who this man was standing in front of me and what did he do with my father. “Dad, remember that Joey and Jessica have (oral) surgery today to remove their wisdom teeth? We are not going to be doing anything for the next few days while I take care of them.”
Looking back I probably should have taken dad with me today. I really thought he would be bored and I did not want to have to worry about entertaining him when my children were going to need all of my attention. The kids and I left the house at 11:00am and did not get home until 4pm. It was a long day and the kids were starting to experience a lot of pain.
We walked into the house and my father greeted me at the door and said, “Where have you been all day? I was so worried; I have been locked up in this house like a prisoner.” “You just got home from a wonderful vacation and already you are complaining that you are in a prison?” I said. “I am going to get Grumpy for you to hold dad.” He laughed and walked over to the children and started making jokes but Jessica was in too much pain.
“Where is Larry?” I asked. “He has been outside mowing the lawn and fixing things, I wanted to help but he didn’t need me.” I have a lot of empathy for my dad, he wants to feel useful, but he is not handy. He only has one eye can barely see out of it. Larry works so hard and to be honest, when he has free time to work around the house, he does not want to spend time being slowed down by dad.
The fact is the next few days are going to be very busy for both Larry and I. Larry intentionally took an extra week of vacation from work to do some much need house maintenance. My time will be focused on carrying for the kids post surgical visits. I had no idea how the kids were going to handle having their wisdom teeth out.
Just then, I got this brilliant idea, I asked my father if he would fix a few articles of clothing for me. He was an excellent tailor in his day and unfortunately, he never shared that gift with any of his children. My sewing abilities included buttons and repairing small tears. I threaded several needles for dad and left him with a basket of repairs. I did not hear a beep out of him for about four hours! At the end of that time, he handed me a pile of repaired clothing! “You are amazing dad, thank you.” I said, while thinking to myself, what am I going to do to keep him busy for the next three days? Oh Larry….
Dad, a one-of-a-kind tailor!
188 Days Since Accident
165 Days in Colorado
Where did all his energy come from?
Dad was up early today and when I came downstairs to make breakfast he sprang at me from his bedroom, slapped his hands together, and said, “So, what are the plans today?” I looked at him with one eye half-open and wondered who this man was standing in front of me and what did he do with my father. “Dad, remember that Joey and Jessica have (oral) surgery today to remove their wisdom teeth? We are not going to be doing anything for the next few days while I take care of them.”
Looking back I probably should have taken dad with me today. I really thought he would be bored and I did not want to have to worry about entertaining him when my children were going to need all of my attention. The kids and I left the house at 11:00am and did not get home until 4pm. It was a long day and the kids were starting to experience a lot of pain.
We walked into the house and my father greeted me at the door and said, “Where have you been all day? I was so worried; I have been locked up in this house like a prisoner.” “You just got home from a wonderful vacation and already you are complaining that you are in a prison?” I said. “I am going to get Grumpy for you to hold dad.” He laughed and walked over to the children and started making jokes but Jessica was in too much pain.
“Where is Larry?” I asked. “He has been outside mowing the lawn and fixing things, I wanted to help but he didn’t need me.” I have a lot of empathy for my dad, he wants to feel useful, but he is not handy. He only has one eye can barely see out of it. Larry works so hard and to be honest, when he has free time to work around the house, he does not want to spend time being slowed down by dad.
The fact is the next few days are going to be very busy for both Larry and I. Larry intentionally took an extra week of vacation from work to do some much need house maintenance. My time will be focused on carrying for the kids post surgical visits. I had no idea how the kids were going to handle having their wisdom teeth out.
Just then, I got this brilliant idea, I asked my father if he would fix a few articles of clothing for me. He was an excellent tailor in his day and unfortunately, he never shared that gift with any of his children. My sewing abilities included buttons and repairing small tears. I threaded several needles for dad and left him with a basket of repairs. I did not hear a beep out of him for about four hours! At the end of that time, he handed me a pile of repaired clothing! “You are amazing dad, thank you.” I said, while thinking to myself, what am I going to do to keep him busy for the next three days? Oh Larry….
Dad, a one-of-a-kind tailor!Wednesday, July 21, 2010
California, here we come!
Saturday July 3, 2010
179 days since accident
155 days in Colorado
I did not sleep well last night and I never do the night before a trip. This morning however, I woke up with an energy I have not felt in a very long time. Things went very smoothly, the kids and dad got up and ate a quick breakfast. The car was packed last night so I just had to review my “morning of” list, give my plants a good watering, feed the dogs and Larry put them in the kennel (my ex husband watches the house and the dogs while we are away).
We found the off-site parking for the airport and there was the shuttle waiting for us! The first part of the trip today was going very well. By the time we got to security we still had a good two hours and it was a good thing too because the airport was very busy! Fortunately, with dad in a wheelchair we were brought to a special area that bypassed the traditional line through security. I could get used to this treatment!
Each child was given a responsibility before we left the house. Joey was first to go through security. He was in charge of the computers and other electronics. Jessica went next and was in charge of making sure that everyone took off their sneakers, jewelry, and emptied their pockets before entering security, and then she pulled things out of the trays, while Joey was putting the electronics and computers away. Alicia went last and was in charge of making sure that all our stuff made it through security. I went through the line first and made sure that all the toiletries and bags of medication were pulled out of the carry-on bag. I was planning to help Larry who was with dad, but before I could say anything security was padding down dad. They did not give Larry an opportunity to have dad walk through x-ray, which would have been so much easier! Now we were stuck waiting thirty minutes while they checked dad and the chair. All of that could have been circumvented if they let dad walk through x-ray and they checked the wheelchair!
Dad at DIA holding "Grumpy," while waiting for our flight to LAX July 3, 2010
Finally to the gate! Just as we were getting settled at the gate dad announced that he had to go to the bathroom. I was hoping he could wait until we got on the plane because his bathroom visits take anywhere from a couple of minutes to 25 minutes. We pre-boarded the plane and took the second row across with the kids sitting on the right side of the plane, while we took dad with us on the left side. The flight to Los Angeles was uneventful. We landed a little early, got our luggage right away, and then went to the rental place for our minivan. I could not ask for an easier day!
Across the street from the car, rental place was my favorite hamburger restaurant, In and Out; we ate an early lunch, and made it to the hotel by 1:30pm. Check-in was 4pm, but since I requested an early check-in, our room was ready for us. We had a small suite; dad took the sleeper sofa in the living room area. He had a nice huge television, and was close to the bathroom. In the bedroom were two queen-sized beds. The girls took the bed near the window, and we took the other bed near the door, and I requested a roll away bed for Joey.
Larry pulled out the bed for dad so he could rest and I unpacked our luggage and after a two-hour rest, we went out to check out the area, get a bite to eat, and pick up snacks, bottled water, and soda for the room. We had a refrigerator and microwave, which provided us the opportunity to make breakfast in the room every morning and have cold beverages and snacks for the evening. Feeding six people during vacation can be as costly as the airfare!
We were only twenty minutes from Newport Beach, but the parking situation was impossible. What made it even worse was the fact that we left dad’s wheelchair at the hotel, and the handicap placard from Larry’s car was still in his car back in Colorado! What rotten luck! Since dad was too tired to walk we had to forgo the beach for today. I was tired anyway and we still had to shop for groceries and find a place for dinner. Overall, it was a great first day.
179 days since accident
155 days in Colorado
I did not sleep well last night and I never do the night before a trip. This morning however, I woke up with an energy I have not felt in a very long time. Things went very smoothly, the kids and dad got up and ate a quick breakfast. The car was packed last night so I just had to review my “morning of” list, give my plants a good watering, feed the dogs and Larry put them in the kennel (my ex husband watches the house and the dogs while we are away).
We found the off-site parking for the airport and there was the shuttle waiting for us! The first part of the trip today was going very well. By the time we got to security we still had a good two hours and it was a good thing too because the airport was very busy! Fortunately, with dad in a wheelchair we were brought to a special area that bypassed the traditional line through security. I could get used to this treatment!
Each child was given a responsibility before we left the house. Joey was first to go through security. He was in charge of the computers and other electronics. Jessica went next and was in charge of making sure that everyone took off their sneakers, jewelry, and emptied their pockets before entering security, and then she pulled things out of the trays, while Joey was putting the electronics and computers away. Alicia went last and was in charge of making sure that all our stuff made it through security. I went through the line first and made sure that all the toiletries and bags of medication were pulled out of the carry-on bag. I was planning to help Larry who was with dad, but before I could say anything security was padding down dad. They did not give Larry an opportunity to have dad walk through x-ray, which would have been so much easier! Now we were stuck waiting thirty minutes while they checked dad and the chair. All of that could have been circumvented if they let dad walk through x-ray and they checked the wheelchair!
Dad at DIA holding "Grumpy," while waiting for our flight to LAX July 3, 2010Finally to the gate! Just as we were getting settled at the gate dad announced that he had to go to the bathroom. I was hoping he could wait until we got on the plane because his bathroom visits take anywhere from a couple of minutes to 25 minutes. We pre-boarded the plane and took the second row across with the kids sitting on the right side of the plane, while we took dad with us on the left side. The flight to Los Angeles was uneventful. We landed a little early, got our luggage right away, and then went to the rental place for our minivan. I could not ask for an easier day!
Across the street from the car, rental place was my favorite hamburger restaurant, In and Out; we ate an early lunch, and made it to the hotel by 1:30pm. Check-in was 4pm, but since I requested an early check-in, our room was ready for us. We had a small suite; dad took the sleeper sofa in the living room area. He had a nice huge television, and was close to the bathroom. In the bedroom were two queen-sized beds. The girls took the bed near the window, and we took the other bed near the door, and I requested a roll away bed for Joey.
Larry pulled out the bed for dad so he could rest and I unpacked our luggage and after a two-hour rest, we went out to check out the area, get a bite to eat, and pick up snacks, bottled water, and soda for the room. We had a refrigerator and microwave, which provided us the opportunity to make breakfast in the room every morning and have cold beverages and snacks for the evening. Feeding six people during vacation can be as costly as the airfare!
We were only twenty minutes from Newport Beach, but the parking situation was impossible. What made it even worse was the fact that we left dad’s wheelchair at the hotel, and the handicap placard from Larry’s car was still in his car back in Colorado! What rotten luck! Since dad was too tired to walk we had to forgo the beach for today. I was tired anyway and we still had to shop for groceries and find a place for dinner. Overall, it was a great first day.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I Have More Health Problems Than Dad Does!
Sunday June 27, 2010
173 days since accident
150 days in Colorado
The last week has been very hot, with the occasional afternoon rains, to cool things down. Unfortunately, the rain has done nothing to help with my MCTD flair-ups. Before my illness, I loved the summer because it meant fewer days with back pain (worst in the winter and early spring). However, the lupus-like condition doesn’t fair well in the heat, so I lose on both ends!
My father worries when I sleep a lot during the day, but sleep helps me feel better, and when I take a couple of naps I function better overall. I try not to tell my father too much about my health problems because I can see how much it scares him. However, the fact is, there are days when I just can’t get out of bed, period. I have learned a long time ago that it is best to listen to the signals from my body because when I ignore those signals, I always regret it later.
Besides, I have the greatest family in the world! I have been very fortunate to have two teenagers who just instinctively do whatever has to be done on the days that I am incapacitated. There have been more times, than not, when my husband comes home after working a long night shift, and rather than go to sleep, he would help me. I am a very fortunate woman and I never loss sight of this. Nevertheless, for dad, seeing me in pain can be difficult for him to handle. Ironic really, I am 50 years old, and on more prescription medication than dad is at almost 90!
So what do you do when the caregiver has more health problems than the elderly parent does? Nothing, as a family you must find ways to pull together and do your share to help. It doesn’t matter if my father was living with us or not. I still have my days when I can’t function as well as I would like too. Fortunately, I have figured out a system to circumvent the frequencies of my flair-ups. Still it is difficult for me, as a type-A personality I have always been able to multi-task and rarely ever put anything off for the next day.
I have had to discipline myself and accept the fact that it is ok not to finish everything in one day! I think this philosophy has also helped my father because he has many days when he is depressed because his mind is stronger than his body. My motto:
Don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today
Has been replaced with:
There is always tomorrow…
173 days since accident
150 days in Colorado
The last week has been very hot, with the occasional afternoon rains, to cool things down. Unfortunately, the rain has done nothing to help with my MCTD flair-ups. Before my illness, I loved the summer because it meant fewer days with back pain (worst in the winter and early spring). However, the lupus-like condition doesn’t fair well in the heat, so I lose on both ends!
My father worries when I sleep a lot during the day, but sleep helps me feel better, and when I take a couple of naps I function better overall. I try not to tell my father too much about my health problems because I can see how much it scares him. However, the fact is, there are days when I just can’t get out of bed, period. I have learned a long time ago that it is best to listen to the signals from my body because when I ignore those signals, I always regret it later.
Besides, I have the greatest family in the world! I have been very fortunate to have two teenagers who just instinctively do whatever has to be done on the days that I am incapacitated. There have been more times, than not, when my husband comes home after working a long night shift, and rather than go to sleep, he would help me. I am a very fortunate woman and I never loss sight of this. Nevertheless, for dad, seeing me in pain can be difficult for him to handle. Ironic really, I am 50 years old, and on more prescription medication than dad is at almost 90!
So what do you do when the caregiver has more health problems than the elderly parent does? Nothing, as a family you must find ways to pull together and do your share to help. It doesn’t matter if my father was living with us or not. I still have my days when I can’t function as well as I would like too. Fortunately, I have figured out a system to circumvent the frequencies of my flair-ups. Still it is difficult for me, as a type-A personality I have always been able to multi-task and rarely ever put anything off for the next day.
I have had to discipline myself and accept the fact that it is ok not to finish everything in one day! I think this philosophy has also helped my father because he has many days when he is depressed because his mind is stronger than his body. My motto:
Don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today
Has been replaced with:
There is always tomorrow…
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Father's Day
Sunday, June 20, 2010
166 days since accident
143 days in Colorado
It has been decades since I spent a "Father's Day," with dad. Today, I experienced a mixture of excitement and sadness - the reality of which is that this may be the only one I get to share with him. In the past, I hated this celebratory day – I could never find a card that said what I really felt. I doubt Hallmark carried a line of Father’s Day cards for the man who got my mother pregnant.
So, I ordered a special cake, with layers of chocolate and white cake, nestled between custard, and covered with a white whipped cream frosting. I wrapped the matching tee shirt and baseball cap that read: Proud Grandparent of, and underneath was the name and caricature of each of his seven grandchildren. I boxed up the designer mug I made of a family-collage, and the inscription, "Grandpa Nathan's Coffee Cup." And the day went really well.
As I think about the events of the day, I come to the surprising realization that the gifts did not symbolize my parental relationship with dad, but the relationship he has with his grandchildren (my children). Did anyone else catch the irony here? I don’t think I am punishing dad because I really am so happy that he is here and that I have the opportunity to celebrate this day with him.
The sad fact of the matter is this, my father was absent for my entire life. My mother died when I was barely eleven years old. I then spent the next seven years in foster care, and even though my foster parents were wonderful, I was constantly reminded of the fact that they were not my parents.
I really needed my father when I was a young woman venturing out on my own. I suffered needlessly, all those “firsts,” in life that I was either forced to go about on my own because my mother was dead or because my father was absent in my life. I can’t get that time back, but I also have this time with dad. I want to accept and love him for the man he is today, and not grieve what could have been.
Therefore, I took a few minutes to run downstairs to dad’s room and presented him with my father’s day card – the one that says how happy I am that he is in my life, and that I love him. Happy Father’s Day, Dad!
166 days since accident
143 days in Colorado
It has been decades since I spent a "Father's Day," with dad. Today, I experienced a mixture of excitement and sadness - the reality of which is that this may be the only one I get to share with him. In the past, I hated this celebratory day – I could never find a card that said what I really felt. I doubt Hallmark carried a line of Father’s Day cards for the man who got my mother pregnant.
So, I ordered a special cake, with layers of chocolate and white cake, nestled between custard, and covered with a white whipped cream frosting. I wrapped the matching tee shirt and baseball cap that read: Proud Grandparent of, and underneath was the name and caricature of each of his seven grandchildren. I boxed up the designer mug I made of a family-collage, and the inscription, "Grandpa Nathan's Coffee Cup." And the day went really well.
As I think about the events of the day, I come to the surprising realization that the gifts did not symbolize my parental relationship with dad, but the relationship he has with his grandchildren (my children). Did anyone else catch the irony here? I don’t think I am punishing dad because I really am so happy that he is here and that I have the opportunity to celebrate this day with him.
The sad fact of the matter is this, my father was absent for my entire life. My mother died when I was barely eleven years old. I then spent the next seven years in foster care, and even though my foster parents were wonderful, I was constantly reminded of the fact that they were not my parents.
I really needed my father when I was a young woman venturing out on my own. I suffered needlessly, all those “firsts,” in life that I was either forced to go about on my own because my mother was dead or because my father was absent in my life. I can’t get that time back, but I also have this time with dad. I want to accept and love him for the man he is today, and not grieve what could have been.
Therefore, I took a few minutes to run downstairs to dad’s room and presented him with my father’s day card – the one that says how happy I am that he is in my life, and that I love him. Happy Father’s Day, Dad!
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