Dad is still with us!

It has been a little over two years since dad came to live with us - he turns 92 in August.  He is doing extremely well, and me, not so well.  I am exhausted and in desperate need of a very long vacation.

When I brought dad out here two years ago I was told by the doctors that he probably wouldn't live very long.  He was so frail and sick.  I wanted to make him comfortable and to let him know that he was surrounded by family that cared about him.

I am a nurse - and I guess a pretty good one because dad is actually thriving.  Of course that is wonderful.  But the truth is I never would have brought him into my home if I knew it was going to be for the long haul.

So, now what do I do?  I can't bring myself to place him in a nursing home.  Dad never prepared for the possibility that he would spend his finally years in a nursing home.  He just assumed he would either die at home from old age or the hospital!  He also never thought he would live to be over 90 either! 

He is in a real pickle.  He can't afford one of the "good" nursing homes.  The best he can do at this point is placement in a state-run facility; and I wouldn't put a dog in one of those places!

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  My children and husband have been wonderful with the situation.  No one is overtly complaining, but I know how difficult the situation is.  I am happy to help my father, but who is going to help me? 

Now dad tells me that he wants to go on vacation with the family this summer.  Two years ago I took him to California to see his brother - they had not seen each other in over thirty years!   Dad doesn't even remember going to California!  All that effort and aggravation and he doesn't even remember going!!

Just the other day my son found dad crying in his bedroom.   Dad thought that I went on vacation and left him behind!   Is it unfair of me to not want to take him on another trip?  It was not easy - dad got confused and soiled his bed.  I was horrified and thought for sure that the hotel would charge me for the damage.  Thank goodness they didn't.

The family barely slept well during that trip because dad would get confused during the middle of the night and wander into the ajoining room and stand at the foot of my hotel bed.  He would literally stand there and just stare at us.  It felt like a bad horror movie!    The first night he did this I awoke to find him hovering over me and I let out this totally uninhibited scream.

Taking care of an elderly parent is worse than raising children.  We come into this world helpless and totally dependent on others for our care; while our elderly often find themselves in the same predicament, totally dependent on children or other caregivers.  Changing a child's diaper is one thing, changing a parent's diaper is a completely different and totally inappropriate experience.  Fortunately for me, dad is still able to perform his own personal care needs. 

Listen to me - if you get a phone call in the middle of the night to fly across the country and pick up your elderly parent, tell the person on the other end of the line that they got a wrong phone number!  Trust me, they won't put your parent out in the street.   It will buy you some time to sell off all of your possessions and leave the country! 

Only kidding - well, maybe halfway kidding...

Linda

OPTIFAST - Week #2, April 6, 2011

I made it through my first week of the program without any problems.  I lost three pounds and although I don't see or feel it, the fact that the scale reflects such a significant loss overwhelms me with joy and happiness!

I know you are dying to know what I weigh - suffice it to say, I need to lose fifty pounds, which puts me in the obese category.  Just typing that word, obese, makes me feel ill.  I am so disappointed in myself and angry that I had to one of those individuals who struggles with weight problems.  Not fair - I love to cook and I love to eat.  My fear is that I will never be able to enjoy "real food," again. 

Right now, I must focus on the positive aspects of this program and the fact that I caught my prediabetes early and with diet and exercise I should see my blood sugards revert back to normal pretty soon.

This week I tried a number of different frozen meals and will share with you my thoughts on them.  Remember, I am not fond of frozen meals, but I must also admit that these meals have come a long way over the years and some were pretty darn tasty!

Below is my critique of some of the meals I had this week

Frozen Meal Selection:  Kashi - Chicken Floretine.

Texture is a big thing for me - I hate soggy food. I like a little crunch, and I want to be able to taste the different ingredients.  This meal was actually pretty good.  Almost immediately, I could smell the chicken and garlic, while it was cooking in the microwave.  This one was low in calories and packed with protein.  Protein is so important in the body so I don't want to skimp on it.  Low protein can lead to hair, nail and skin problems not to mention issues with kidney function, among others. 

Total Calories: 290.  Total Fat: 9 grams.   Sodium: 550 mg.  Protein: 22 grams.

On a scale of 1-10 I would have to give this one a 7.5

Frozen Meal Selection:  Lean Cuisine - Garlic and Chicken Spring Rolls
Box contained two servings of three small rolls each.


Total Calories: 200.   Total Fat: 8 grams.   Sodium: 580 mg.     Protein: 10 grams.


I prepared it in the microwave using the cooking sleeve that came with the meal. It smelled good while cooking, I could smell the garlic and thought perhaps this would not be so bad after all. The outside of the roll was very good, I especially liked the crunch of it - texture is important when eating food, you want to have something that brings it all together. But the inside was way too mushy and soft which overwhelmed the crunch-factor of the outside.

On a scale of 1-10 I would have to give this one a 5.

Frozen Meal Selection: Lean Cuisine - Comfort line - Roasted Turkey Breast with savory herb dressing and cinnamon apples.


Total Calories: 300. Total Fat: 4 grams. Sodium: 650 mg. Protein: 14 grams.



The turkey was moist and tender and the dressing was well seasoned. To me there was too much dressing and not enough turkey. The texture was the issue for me again, something to tie this meal together, that crunch factor. The apples had a slight crunch but not enough to compensate for the overwhelming softness of the dressing. I also didn't taste any cinnamon, although I did like the apples.

On a scale of 1-10 I would have to give this one a 6.5

Frozen Meal Selection: Kashi - Mayan Harvest Bake
 I really enjoyed this entree!  Initially the look was anything but appealing but the smells from coming my microwave convinced me that I might have a winner here.  First, the texture was perfect, there was the crunch from the beans, and a chewiness from the sweet potato.  The spicy ancho sauce was mild and flavorful.  This one I will buy again.  The true test is if I enjoy it the second time around.  I have to consider the fact that hunger can play a role in how good something tastes too.  I mean, look, if you're starving just about anything will taste good!
 
Total Calories: 340     Total Fat: 9 grams     Total Sodium: 380 mg     Total Protein: 9 grams

On a scale of 1-10 I would have to give this one a 9.

Frozen Meal Selection: Amy's Light & Lean line - Pasta & Veggies made with organic broccoli and asparagus.


The vegetables had a nice crunch to them and the pasta was firm and not mushy. the sauce was mild and flavorful and it was topped with parmesan cheese. Actually the first frozen meal that actually looked like the picture on the carton.  I think those who enjoy pasta will actually like this selection a lot. However, for me, it was alright but something that I normally would not eat because I like my pasta dry and flavored from the meat or vegetables that I make to top it. Just not a lover of tomato sauce.

Total Calories: 210     Total Fat: 5 grams     Total Sodium: 470 mg     Total Protein: 10 grams

On a scale of 1-10 I would have to give this one a 7.

Frozen Meal Selection: Amy's Gluten Free line - Garden Vegetable Lasagna made with organic rice pasta and vegetables.



When I took the package out of the box it felt heavy, like it had some substance to it. It also looked very appetizing, just like the picture on the box. It took eight minutes to cook because the outer edges cooked quicker than the center. I have a high-end microwave so believe me when I say that it needed extra time to cook.  I was disappointed in that the lasagna noodles lost their texture and seem to melt into the vegetables. Although the meal tasted good, it had no texture, it was too soft, and I was not able to differentiate the various vegetables, like carrots, broccoli, zucchini, spinach, and peas. All the flavors just commingled leaving me to guess what the actually vegetables were.

Total Calories: 290     Total Fat: 9 grams     Total Sodium: 720 mg     Total Protein: 11 grams

On a scale of 1-10 I would have to give this one a 5.

OPTIFAST - First Meeting Week # 1 March 30 2011

I arrived at the meeting room fifteen minutes early and found two other women waiting.   In walked three women - the Team:

• The Course Instructor (she has a degree in health psychology)
• The Nurse Practitioner (she will monitor the medical side of the program)
• The Administrative Assistant (she takes care of paperwork and ordering of product)

During the first fifteen minutes of each weekly meeting participants will:

• Get weighed
• Have blood pressure checked
• Order products for the following week and pick up the current week's product
• Discuss any health problems that arose during the previous week

The remainder of the time, one hour, our instructor goes over the goals for the next week, provides us with reading material, discuss the emotional aspects of our journey, among other things.

The meeting today was about information gathering and a detail description of the program and the goals for the next 13+-weeks.   This program has been around for decades - I had a friend back in 1980 who lost 100 pounds on this program - it was called the "liquid diet," back then.  She had six specially formulated  "shakes," per day, seven days a week, for six months.

The program is designed to work as follows - Participants must drink 8 glasses of water per day, and  have the option of:

• Drinking four-160 calorie shakes per day or two shakes per day + two meal bars, or two soups,  approximately 640 calories per day.*
• Enjoying 30 extra calories per day, in 10-calorie increments.  Lots of choices here.
• In addition to the program products - participants must each one or two prepared meals per day (see below).

1. To have four shakes* per day and one 500-calorie meal at dinner time;

2. To have four shakes* per day and two 250-calorie meals at lunch and dinner, respectively.

I was not crazy about the frozen meal options because I love to cook and I almost never buy frozen meals.  I like to make everything fresh with little to no preservatives, processing, or fillers.  However, on this program there are very specific requirements, for example, if the 250-calorie lunch/dinner option is chosen it must contain:

• No more than 250 calories,
• No more than 10 grams of fat,
• No more than 700 mg of salt,
• At least 10 grams of protein or more.
                                                            or

We can have one 500-calorie meal per day (usually at dinner) and it must contain:

• No more than 500 calories,
• No more than 15 grams of fat,
• No more than 700 grams of salt,
• At least 15 grams of protein or more.

After the meeting and on the way home, I stopped at my local grocery store and spent two hours going through and reading all of the different frozen meal options!  I bought fourteen different varieties of meals and was thrilled to find a nice selection and they were on sale too!

My goals for the duration of this program is to:

1. Space my "meals," every three to four hours, e.g., a shake first thing in the morning, a shake for lunch (or a frozen meal), a frozen meal for dinner, and then in the evening, which is when I like to nosh, I will have my two meal bars.
2. On the days that I have a 500-calorie frozen meal I will replace the lunch meal with a shake.
3. My daily extra thirty calories will vary from celery or carrot sticks, sugar free gum (5 calories per), etc
4. To walk on the treadmill that we have in the house a minimum of 3x per week.
5. To keep a journal of feelings, especially surrounding cravings and such so I can pinpoint when my food addiction trigger is stimulated.
6. To not be afraid to get on the scale!
7. To enjoy myself and have fun.  Ok, maybe this one is stretching it a bit!

**Shake come in ready to make powder or in a prepared single serving box.  Flavors are vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.  the meals bars are chocolate brownie, yogurt and berries, peanut butter with chocolate.  Soup is in a pouch that you add hot water to, and there are only two flavors, a tomato and chicken noodle.  I am not a soup lover so I opted not to choose them.

Taking Care of Dad is Making me Fat!

It has been a long time since I last wrote and I apologize for that - writing that I have been under tremendous amounts of stress just doesn't seem to truly explain the magnitude of what is going on in my life right now. Dad has been living with me for close to sixteen months and as he continues to thrive I seem to be falling apart.

In the last year I have gained twenty pounds and I am at my heaviest - heavier than during pregnancy, heavier than all my stress-induced-food-binge-periods, heavier than all those years when I was in an extremely volatile marriage and subsequent divorce.
I am first, ashamed of myself - I vowed never to allow myself to be more than twenty pounds overweight, it provided a controlled environment, the minute the scale tipped at twenty pounds I would freak and start exercising and dieting to bring down the weight.
There have been a handful of times in my life when I was thin - gorgeous really. The perfect (hourglass) figure, the positive self-esteem, the amazing career(s). Each time I felt an inner peace and satisfaction in knowing that I could do it, if I really wanted to, I could be thin and healthy.

I would manage to keep the weight off for a couple of years only to start adding the poundage once the winds of change turned nasty in my life - Bad relationships, divorce, dysfunctional family relationships, disenchantment with life in general. It is not true when people say, "the weight just mysteriously came on overnight." I was painfully aware of each and every sickening pound as it comfortably melted into my hips and thighs. The excuses were plentiful - the empty promises to prevent any further weight gain, and the self-loathing I felt each time I had to look into the mirror only made me dig deeper into the refrigerator.

I used to think that "food addiction," was a made up excuse by some morbidly obese person struggling to justify their horrific predicament. How can anyone be addicted to food? It's nonsense and pathetical. But I am now a believer, since my father's arrival in January, 2011 I have found solace in a bag of challah bread. My taste buds have been awoken by the tantalizing tastes of moist and creamy petite fours. A good movie and a bag of Twizzlers became my best friend during the lonely hours between 1and 4 in the morning, while I nervously listened as my father roamed my home - yelling my name in a drunken stupor, and finding him on the floor - his legs stuck between the bathroom toilet and the wall. Laying there, blankly staring up at me, then violently accusing me of making it all up the next morning.
Caring for my dad has made me fat. It reminds me of my childhood - a nervous child, who found love and comfort in food. And just like that nervous child, so many decades ago, I too struggle with the guilt and shame of being out-of-control. "How does my father do it," I wonder? I am a (although I hate to admit it), a middle-aged woman still seeking the love and approval of a man who is incapable of such basic needs. I see him and I revert to that scared little fat girl, terrified of the man hovering over me, and scolding me, "why don't you use your brains? you are such a stupid child," he would say with distain.

Two weeks ago, for sixteen weeks, I entered a stringent, medically managed, weight loss program, that has been around for decades, called OPTIFAST Please join, support, and encourage me as I take this journey to take control back over my emotions, my body, my life! and maybe, along the way I might be able to help a few people struggling with the same issues too.



Linda Mundorff

Middle of the Night - Caring for Dad

It is 2:30 in morning and I am still awake - actually I am awake this time every night. You probably think I have a newborn at home. I wish I did because caring for a newborn, to me, is so much easier than caring for an elderly parent. It may be one thing to change a child's diaper, but it becomes something completely different and uncomfortable when the diaper you are changing belongs to your parent. The angry outbursts, stubbornness ,and regressive behaviors are reminiscent of when my children were small. I can hear my father moan my name - I worry, did he fall again? Sometimes, during this confused state, my father will think he is in the bathroom, and I will find that he has soiled his pajama bottoms.


I am exhausted, my sleep has been disrupted since his arrival a little over a year ago. Like caring for a newborn, I worry - I don't like to go to sleep until I know my father is sleeping comfortably. Fortunately for him , I know when he is awake - he is far from quiet. If by chance I am too tired and sleep through his restless noises, my golden retriever, Buster will pace at the foot of my bed, until I wake up. He too worries about his human friend.

My father believes he is not a burden simply because he is independent in tending to most of his personal needs. Being responsible for an elderly parent is a burden - plain and simple. His well-being is in my hands - it is up to me to make sure that the following needs are being met:

• Love and a sense of well-being

• Medical, and that he takes his medication on a regularly basis,

• Nutritional needs, which includes supplementing his diet with protein shakes,

• Social and the need to be with other seniors,

• Personal care needs - bathing, mouth care, toileting,

• Feeling like he is an important member of this family, he goes everywhere we go,

Just once I would like to hear him say that he:

• appreciates everything that I am doing for him,

• loves and respects me,

• feels sorry that he was not there for me when I needed him,

• wants to know how I am feeling (for a change).

My eyelids are feeling very heavy right now and I want to go to sleep. It is now 3:45 in the morning and my father is finally asleep and that is my cue to say goodnight too.

The Eating Habits of the Elderly

Dad eats very well, don't let him fool you when he says he eats like a baby - if the meal is something that he likes and he can eat without any difficulty (remember he has no teeth), he will eat a full adult portion.

Unfortunately, my father is very confused and a poor historian.  He loves to tell these elaborate stories of the great meals he would prepare at home.  The problem is that he has not cooked like that since he was 70 years old.  For the last twenty years, the extent of his cooking was to open a can of condensed soup. 

Dad, like many elderly, would eat one good meal per day. He never ate breakfast because he would eat a huge lunch, at the local senior center at 11am.  The lunch consisted of meat, potatoes, a beverage, and a piece of cake all for one dollar!    For dinner he would have a slice of bread and some salami or can soup or a frankfurter. 

My dad was seriously underweight and malnourished when I brought him out to Colorado.  But his mind will not permit him to see that the quality of his life was in serious jeopardy.  So he goes back to a happier time, way back, like when he was 60 years old.  I can't fight with dementia.  Not even worth trying.  No one wins, really.

Dad needs to control his environment - he was independent until he was 89 years old!  That is pretty amazing, but he does not see it that way.  He thinks he has had a rotten life - ok well it is all relative, isn't it.

So I am not surprised that dad is doing all of this complaining because he is trying to control something, anything, and the focus has been on food.  Ok, I get it, except he is driving me and the family crazy.  One minute he tells me to make him macaroni and cheese, and the next minute he will tell me that he doesn't like macaroni and cheese! 

A few weeks ago I took him to the grocery store and said, "dad, go ahead and take a shopping cart and go around the store with Joey, buy whatever you want."  I was shopping with Jessica and met up with them about 30 minutes later.  I had a huge cart full of groceries and my father had:  10 cans of Progresso soup, a bag of onion rolls, and a chub of Hebrew National salami. 

He told me to make him a can of soup for lunch and that is all he wants from that day forward.  After three days of giving him soup, he turns to me on the forth day and says, "what, you don't have enough money to feed me something other than soup?"

I can always tell when dad is about to start one of his food monologues.  I will be sitting in my favorite chair by the window and he will very quietly walk towards me with a pensive look upon his face.  He will open the same way, "Linda, may I talk to you for a minute?" or "Linda, you are a good daughter and I don't want to be a burden.." and this is my favorite, "What kind of food are you feeding me!  I never had this at home." (Referring to stomach pains and constipation).

 I can't do his hand gestures or accent any justice, suffice it to say, when my dad starts one of his long speeches they are hysterically funny.

 Here is a sample of one of dad's solioquy's:

Dad: Linda, listen I don't want to aggravate you, or upset you, I am a man of 90 years and I didn't ask you to bring me out here. Ok I am here, but I know you will have a problem with me with eating because I can't chew the food, but I have an idea that will be good for both of us. And it won't cost you a penny. How about you let me make potato soup, how much could it cost for one potato, a nickel? I need a small onion, maybe a half of the onion and I will fry it in a pan with a little oil and the potato, then I will add water and in twenty minutes I will have a delicious soup.  I can make this for your whole family and they will love it.  It is very healthy and good for the bowels.  Ok, Linda, I don't want to hold you too long, have a good night.

Good night dad.

Influenza (flu) Vaccination - The Elderly are at Risk!

It is flu season and those at greatest risk of developing serious complications from this preventable disease is the elderly.  Read on and become better informed consumers of health care.

Influenza Facts


Influenza, commonly known as the flu, is a contagious viral infection spread predominately through coughing and sneezing. Common symptoms include high fever, chills, headache, muscle aches, sore throat, cough, and generalized fatigue.
Although it peaks in January and February, the disease is active from November to May.

Vaccinate to Prevent Serious Illness

The influenza virus changes from year to year-requiring annual vaccination to protect against the different strains. The vaccination is available in two different forms, the traditional injection, which contains an inactivated (killed) virus, or as an attenuated (live and weakened) virus that is sprayed into the nostrils. Both routes provide full protection against influenza.

According to the Centers of Disease Control (CDC), this year’s vaccine will protect against the following viral illnesses only:

• A/H1N1
• A/H3N2
• Influenza B

Those at Risk

Influenza is a highly contagious illness causing approximately 200,000 hospital admissions, and about 36,000 deaths per year. Pneumonia, a serious respiratory complication, accounts for over 90% of flu-related deaths. Moreover, children under the age of five, who contract the disease, are at risk of developing febrile seizures, a serious neurological condition. Annual vaccination is recommended for those individuals at greatest risk of developing serious flu-related medical complications:

• infants (six months of age and over),
• pregnant women,
• the elderly,
• individuals with respiratory, cardiac, or kidney diseases,
• Individuals with compromised immunity,
• Health care and daycare providers, and
• Primary caregivers to those at high risk

Possible (Mild) Side Effects

Like any other medication, the influenza vaccination does have potential side effects. The most common side effects occur at the injection site, and include redness, pain and muscle soreness. Alternatively, some individuals experience systemic side effects that include red or itchy eyes, cough, fever, and body aches.

Treating Side Effects

Recommendations to help combat vaccination-related side effects include:

• Applying a cold and wet compress to the injection site,
• Increasing fluid intake,
• Taking acetaminophen or ibuprofen (as directed) to reduce pain and fever,
• Get plenty of (extra) rest

Many individuals feel a need to guard or protect the arm that received the vaccination. In fact, it is best to use the arm to help metabolize the medication and decrease the incidence of muscle ache and pain.

When to Contact your Doctor

Contact your doctor immediately should you experience any of the following symptoms:

• High fever
• Breathing difficulty or shortness of breath (call 911 if severe)
• Hoarseness or wheezing
• Rash or hives
• Dizziness
• Palpitations

Vaccine-Related (Serious) Complications

The influenza vaccine is prepared in chicken embryos, this type of vaccination is prohibitive to those with a chicken egg allergy. The Centers of Disease Control (CDC) has reported that, although rare, serious medical conditions have been associated with viral related vaccines, two of which are:

• Anaphylaxes or a life-threatening allergic reaction to the medicine.
• A serious neurological condition called Guillain-Barre Syndrome (GBS), characterized by fever, muscle weakness, and nerve damage.

Potential Impurities

Viral vaccines are manufactured with some impurities and may contain foreign proteins (DNA/RNA), other viral material, and of recent concern thiomersal, a mercury-containing preservative, found in multi-dose vials of the H1N1 flu vaccine. Advocates against vaccination argue that thiomersal can cause autism in young children. The amount of foreign DNA and RNA proteins contaminating these vaccines raise concerns that they may cause autoimmune-related conditions and cancer.

There are many who believe vaccinations in general are a bad idea. As the movement to decline vaccination increases so does many of those disease irradicated by vaccination. The debate to vaccinate (or not) is a heated one and ultimately each one of us must make an informed decision based on accurate information. Start by consulting your physician and visit the following websites for more information on the influenza vaccine:

http://www.flu.gov/
http://www.niaid.nih.gov/topics/flu/h1n1/Pages/Default.aspx
http://www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/
http://www.cdc.gov/H1N1flu/vaccination/statelocal/centralized_distribution_qa.htm
https://www.vaccineshoppe.com/image.cfm?doc_id=11046&image_type=msds_sheet

Reducing Hospital Acquired Infections - General Health - Naturally Savvy: Get Savvy about Healthy Living

Reducing Hospital Acquired Infections - General Health - Naturally Savvy: Get Savvy about Healthy Living

Family Visits

I don't have a large family.  That being said, the family I do have is spread all over the country.  Last month we took my father to California to see his brother and his niece.  Earlier this month my niece came out to see her grandfather all the way from Connecticut.

My father wants so desperately to see his entire family before he dies. Yet I notice when he does have an opportunity to see a family member all he does is complain!  My poor niece was bombarded with trivial nonsense that was triggered when my father saw her!

My father has so many complex and convoluted issues that even he can't keep up with his own feelings.  Just the other day he said to me, "What is my eldest daughter's name?  However, ask him what his beef is with his eldest daughter, and he can't spit it out fast enough!  He remembers every dime he has given to people, and every fight or disagreement.  But ask him if he enjoyed the movie, he saw last night and he'll ask, "what movie?  We went to the movies last night?"

I love my family.  I know dad loves them as well.  Now if I can only get him to remember that the next time a family member visits.

Me

That's what you get when you have a 90-year-old move in with you!

Monday July 12, 2010
188 Days Since Accident
165 Days in Colorado

Where did all his energy come from?

Dad was up early today and when I came downstairs to make breakfast he sprang at me from his bedroom, slapped his hands together, and said, “So, what are the plans today?” I looked at him with one eye half-open and wondered who this man was standing in front of me and what did he do with my father. “Dad, remember that Joey and Jessica have (oral) surgery today to remove their wisdom teeth? We are not going to be doing anything for the next few days while I take care of them.”

Looking back I probably should have taken dad with me today. I really thought he would be bored and I did not want to have to worry about entertaining him when my children were going to need all of my attention. The kids and I left the house at 11:00am and did not get home until 4pm. It was a long day and the kids were starting to experience a lot of pain.
We walked into the house and my father greeted me at the door and said, “Where have you been all day? I was so worried; I have been locked up in this house like a prisoner.” “You just got home from a wonderful vacation and already you are complaining that you are in a prison?” I said. “I am going to get Grumpy for you to hold dad.” He laughed and walked over to the children and started making jokes but Jessica was in too much pain.
“Where is Larry?” I asked. “He has been outside mowing the lawn and fixing things, I wanted to help but he didn’t need me.” I have a lot of empathy for my dad, he wants to feel useful, but he is not handy. He only has one eye can barely see out of it. Larry works so hard and to be honest, when he has free time to work around the house, he does not want to spend time being slowed down by dad.

The fact is the next few days are going to be very busy for both Larry and I. Larry intentionally took an extra week of vacation from work to do some much need house maintenance. My time will be focused on carrying for the kids post surgical visits. I had no idea how the kids were going to handle having their wisdom teeth out.
Just then, I got this brilliant idea, I asked my father if he would fix a few articles of clothing for me. He was an excellent tailor in his day and unfortunately, he never shared that gift with any of his children. My sewing abilities included buttons and repairing small tears. I threaded several needles for dad and left him with a basket of repairs. I did not hear a beep out of him for about four hours! At the end of that time, he handed me a pile of repaired clothing! “You are amazing dad, thank you.” I said, while thinking to myself, what am I going to do to keep him busy for the next three days? Oh Larry….

Dad, a one-of-a-kind tailor!

California, here we come!

Saturday July 3, 2010
179 days since accident
155 days in Colorado

I did not sleep well last night and I never do the night before a trip. This morning however, I woke up with an energy I have not felt in a very long time. Things went very smoothly, the kids and dad got up and ate a quick breakfast. The car was packed last night so I just had to review my “morning of” list, give my plants a good watering, feed the dogs and Larry put them in the kennel (my ex husband watches the house and the dogs while we are away).

We found the off-site parking for the airport and there was the shuttle waiting for us! The first part of the trip today was going very well. By the time we got to security we still had a good two hours and it was a good thing too because the airport was very busy! Fortunately, with dad in a wheelchair we were brought to a special area that bypassed the traditional line through security. I could get used to this treatment!

Each child was given a responsibility before we left the house. Joey was first to go through security. He was in charge of the computers and other electronics. Jessica went next and was in charge of making sure that everyone took off their sneakers, jewelry, and emptied their pockets before entering security, and then she pulled things out of the trays, while Joey was putting the electronics and computers away. Alicia went last and was in charge of making sure that all our stuff made it through security. I went through the line first and made sure that all the toiletries and bags of medication were pulled out of the carry-on bag. I was planning to help Larry who was with dad, but before I could say anything security was padding down dad. They did not give Larry an opportunity to have dad walk through x-ray, which would have been so much easier! Now we were stuck waiting thirty minutes while they checked dad and the chair. All of that could have been circumvented if they let dad walk through x-ray and they checked the wheelchair!

 Dad at DIA holding "Grumpy," while waiting for our flight to LAX July 3, 2010

Finally to the gate! Just as we were getting settled at the gate dad announced that he had to go to the bathroom. I was hoping he could wait until we got on the plane because his bathroom visits take anywhere from a couple of minutes to 25 minutes. We pre-boarded the plane and took the second row across with the kids sitting on the right side of the plane, while we took dad with us on the left side. The flight to Los Angeles was uneventful. We landed a little early, got our luggage right away, and then went to the rental place for our minivan. I could not ask for an easier day!

Across the street from the car, rental place was my favorite hamburger restaurant, In and Out; we ate an early lunch, and made it to the hotel by 1:30pm. Check-in was 4pm, but since I requested an early check-in, our room was ready for us. We had a small suite; dad took the sleeper sofa in the living room area. He had a nice huge television, and was close to the bathroom. In the bedroom were two queen-sized beds. The girls took the bed near the window, and we took the other bed near the door, and I requested a roll away bed for Joey.

Larry pulled out the bed for dad so he could rest and I unpacked our luggage and after a two-hour rest, we went out to check out the area, get a bite to eat, and pick up snacks, bottled water, and soda for the room. We had a refrigerator and microwave, which provided us the opportunity to make breakfast in the room every morning and have cold beverages and snacks for the evening. Feeding six people during vacation can be as costly as the airfare!

We were only twenty minutes from Newport Beach, but the parking situation was impossible. What made it even worse was the fact that we left dad’s wheelchair at the hotel, and the handicap placard from Larry’s car was still in his car back in Colorado! What rotten luck! Since dad was too tired to walk we had to forgo the beach for today. I was tired anyway and we still had to shop for groceries and find a place for dinner. Overall, it was a great first day.

I Have More Health Problems Than Dad Does!

Sunday June 27, 2010
173 days since accident
150 days in Colorado

The last week has been very hot, with the occasional afternoon rains, to cool things down. Unfortunately, the rain has done nothing to help with my MCTD flair-ups. Before my illness, I loved the summer because it meant fewer days with back pain (worst in the winter and early spring). However, the lupus-like condition doesn’t fair well in the heat, so I lose on both ends!

My father worries when I sleep a lot during the day, but sleep helps me feel better, and when I take a couple of naps I function better overall. I try not to tell my father too much about my health problems because I can see how much it scares him. However, the fact is, there are days when I just can’t get out of bed, period. I have learned a long time ago that it is best to listen to the signals from my body because when I ignore those signals, I always regret it later.

Besides, I have the greatest family in the world! I have been very fortunate to have two teenagers who just instinctively do whatever has to be done on the days that I am incapacitated. There have been more times, than not, when my husband comes home after working a long night shift, and rather than go to sleep, he would help me. I am a very fortunate woman and I never loss sight of this. Nevertheless, for dad, seeing me in pain can be difficult for him to handle. Ironic really, I am 50 years old, and on more prescription medication than dad is at almost 90!

So what do you do when the caregiver has more health problems than the elderly parent does? Nothing, as a family you must find ways to pull together and do your share to help. It doesn’t matter if my father was living with us or not. I still have my days when I can’t function as well as I would like too. Fortunately, I have figured out a system to circumvent the frequencies of my flair-ups. Still it is difficult for me, as a type-A personality I have always been able to multi-task and rarely ever put anything off for the next day.

I have had to discipline myself and accept the fact that it is ok not to finish everything in one day! I think this philosophy has also helped my father because he has many days when he is depressed because his mind is stronger than his body. My motto:

Don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today

Has been replaced with:

There is always tomorrow…

Father's Day

Sunday, June 20, 2010
166 days since accident
143 days in Colorado

It has been decades since I spent a "Father's Day," with dad. Today, I experienced a mixture of excitement and sadness - the reality of which is that this may be the only one I get to share with him. In the past, I hated this celebratory day – I could never find a card that said what I really felt. I doubt Hallmark carried a line of Father’s Day cards for the man who got my mother pregnant.

So, I ordered a special cake, with layers of chocolate and white cake, nestled between custard, and covered with a white whipped cream frosting. I wrapped the matching tee shirt and baseball cap that read: Proud Grandparent of, and underneath was the name and caricature of each of his seven grandchildren. I boxed up the designer mug I made of a family-collage, and the inscription, "Grandpa Nathan's Coffee Cup." And the day went really well.

As I think about the events of the day, I come to the surprising realization that the gifts did not symbolize my parental relationship with dad, but the relationship he has with his grandchildren (my children).  Did anyone else catch the irony here? I don’t think I am punishing dad because I really am so happy that he is here and that I have the opportunity to celebrate this day with him.

The sad fact of the matter is this, my father was absent for my entire life. My mother died when I was barely eleven years old. I then spent the next seven years in foster care, and even though my foster parents were wonderful, I was constantly reminded of the fact that they were not my parents.

I really needed my father when I was a young woman venturing out on my own. I suffered needlessly, all those “firsts,” in life that I was either forced to go about on my own because my mother was dead or because my father was absent in my life. I can’t get that time back, but I also have this time with dad. I want to accept and love him for the man he is today, and not grieve what could have been.

Therefore, I took a few minutes to run downstairs to dad’s room and presented him with my father’s day card – the one that says how happy I am that he is in my life, and that I love him. Happy Father’s Day, Dad!

Dad and Bingo - A First Time!

Tuesday,May 4, 2010
119 days since accident
96 days in Colorado

My father loves to play cards and especially if money is involved. As a child I remember long hot summer days when dad would take us to the park for hours at a time, not to play with us, but to play cards with his friends from the
old country.

Watching him now, he seems so frail at times, not the card shark he used to be, my children, usually let grandpa win. It really warms our hearts when his face lights up as each time he pulls the chips towards his pile. I haven't been able to find a place for dad to play cards but I did find Bingo.

A local fast food restaurant provides a monthly bingo game for members of the Senior Center. I personally dislike the game, I find it to be quite boring. But I thought it would be good for dad - Anything that would help him use his brain is going to be an asset to him. Bingo really is a great therapy game for the elderly as it stimualates the senses, exercises fine motor coordination, and is a nice social activity.

Dad started our slowly, he had difficulty with coordinating both hearing and seeing the numbers on his board. But after about 15 minutes I noticed he was moving through the process and keeping up. As a matter of fact, he won the first game.

It really turned out to be a pleasant morning and a good activity for dad. I only wish they had it weekly instead of monthly. Trying to find activities for dad has been a challenge because of the infrequency of them all. I am looking forward to summer break because the kids will be home from school and can help me find things for him to do.

The Medicinal Benefits of Vodka (According to Dad)

Tuesday June 15, 2010
161 days since accident
138 days in Colorado

I want to make one thing clear - I don't think anyone should come to the conclusion that my father is an alcoholic(and that includes me as well). Dad has been living with me now for almost five months and I have never seen him take a drink during the day. Instead of taking sleeping pills or valium like many of his cohorts, dad has a glass of vodka before bed. He is plagued by guilt and horrible images of the holocaust and when he takes his night time drink it provides him an opportunity to have a peaceful night's sleep.

At dad's age, logic might dictate that he stop drinking, but logic goes out the window when you see how strong and youthful my father is right now. I can’t remember the last time dad was sick with a cold or the flu, for example. George Burns lived to be 100 and he drank and smoked cigars.

So, the reason I am writing this is to share some of my father's interesting philosophies on the medicinal benefits of alcohol. As a side note, when I was a home health nurse I came across many from dad's generation, who also believed that alcohol served other purposes besides its obvious. And now, for your reading enjoyment I give you:

The Medicinal Benefits of Vodka

1. To cure a cold in the chest or head: take warm water and pour in some vodka.
2. To cure a sore in the mouth or toothache: rinse your mouth with vodka and swallow.
3. For a sore throat: Take some warm water, pour in some vodka, gargle with it, and swallow. Never ever waste the vodka, it will kill all the germs you can swallow it is ok.
4. For a cut, pour a little vodka on it, this you can’t drink so don’t worry it is only a little bit wasted.
5. If you can’t sleep at night: Drink some vodka and you will sleep through the whole night.
6. If you are depressed or sad: don’t take those crazy pills for depression just drink a glass of vodka and it will make you happy and help you forget the past.

If I Hear, "I Need Ex-Lax," One More Time!

Monday, June 14, 2010
160 days since accident
137 days in Colorado

Nurses have a responsibility to ask their patients' everyday, if they had a bowel movement. So it doesn't bother me to ask my dad the same question; and my father has no problem in describing with graphic detail the angst of his bowels!

"Why don't you give me Ex-Lax?" My father will yell to me from the bathroom! “I never had this problem in New York, it must be what you are feeding me,” he would say.

A visit to the gastroenterologist uncovered a perfectly functioning anal sphincter (muscle). “Your problem, Mr. Rosenberg, is that you are old, you need to drink lots of water, and increase your activity, walk thirty minutes a day.” The doctor would say. My father, always with a witty retort, responded, “Doctor, I may be old, but that doesn’t mean I have to be in pain all the time, why don’t you give me Ex-Lax?”

A perfectly logical response, really - I smile to myself as I watch the doctor turn away from dad to write something down on a piece of paper. He turns to me and hands me the name of a medication that can be purchased OTC (over-the-counter). I recognize the medication as a preparation given to individuals who need to clean themselves out before a colonoscopy. “This will help your dad,” he says.

Why do doctors do that? I mean, dad is sitting right there, he could have looked at dad and handed him the note. I ended up turning to dad, and telling him what the doctor should have told him directly, anyway. I know dad is difficult to understand. I am so used to his Eastern European accent that I don’t give it another thought. Still, as health care professionals, we need to speak directly to the patient, even if, an interpreter is in the room.

Dad may forget things that he used to have on the tip of his tongue, and he may ask the same question more than I would like, but he is still a person, and for a man almost 90 years old, he still has it going on upstairs.

So I remind my fellow caregivers to treat your aging family with respect and dignity and permit them as much independence as is safe to allow. And if you hear, "I need Ex-Lax," one more time, just smile and do like I do, and give them a piece of dark chocolate,if their health permits it.

Cooking for Aging Taste Buds

Monday June 7 2010
153 days since accident
130 days in Colorado

Cooking for the elderly can be a challenge for a number of reasons, from poor appetite to decreasing numbers of taste buds. In dad’s case, I have the added problem of his lack of teeth. In the few short months since his arrival dad has lost a significant amount of muscle mass. Never having much of a weight problem, dad is all of a sudden finding himself very wrinkled, with sagging skin, and protruding bones. I supplement his meals with high calorie protein shakes but the real problem comes from his lack of appetite.

I have had to become very creative, while attempting to prepare nutritious foods for dad. I notice that he really enjoys the sweet stuff. Therefore, I experimented by putting a small amount of Splenda in several of his meals. To my pleasant surprise, dad not only enjoyed the meals he finished them.

Side Note > At approximately 40 – 50 years of age, we begin to experience a decrease in our taste buds, which is one of the reasons why the elderly lose their appetite. Food starts to taste very bland and unappetizing. The most important thing to remember when cooking for the elderly is to make sure that each meal contains a variety of nutritious foods.

For example, dad is not a vegetable lover so I have to juice most of his vegetables and mix in something sweet like apple juice. Fruits and vegetables provide an immediately energy source in the form of glucose which is critical for the brain. I can always tell when dad needs to eat something because he becomes weak and confused. I immediately give him one of the fruit/vegetable blends that I have prepared for him and within fifteen minutes, he is feeling better


I prepare, portion, and freeze most of dad's meals in advanced. This has become especially helpful when Larry and I have our weekly date night and the kids have to prepare grandpa’s dinner. Cooking for aging taste buds does not have to become a chore, just adding a small amount of sugar substitute and see if you can convert your poor eater into someone who enjoys food again!

The Greatest Day of All

Saturday May 29, 2010
144 days since accident
121 days in Colorado

It was a beautiful day today - the sun was shining, the temperature was mild, about 75 degrees, and my husband decided to wash our cars and his motorcycles. Dad heard all the noise outside and decided to sit on the front porch and watch Larry work.

I really don't know how it happened because I was not outside, but my father ended up on the back of Larry's Harley. Yes, you heard that correctly - my almost-90-year-old father was on the back of a motorcycle cruising around the neighborhood.

At first, I was shocked and speechless. Did my husband go mad? What possessed him to take such a risk? And darn it, why didn't he get pictures and video of the experience?

Look, of course I was freaking out at first, dad can barely walk, and here he is on the back of a motorcycle? Bottom-line, I trust my husband. If he felt it was safe than I am fine with it. I want my dad to have as many new experiences as he can tolerate.

At nearly 90, dad has barely lived at all. I don't know if this is due to the guilt he has over surviving the Holocaust, while his family did not. I suspect guilt was partly to blame, but I also think dad never had anyone in his life to expose him to different experiences. It also didn’t help that my father was, and still is, one of the cheapest men on the planet!

Ok,I really shouldn't be so hard on him - Dad was poor growing up and equally poor when he came to the U.S. Making $75.00 per week, dad worked as a tailor, in a sweatshop on Manhattan's lower eastside; mom didn't work; she was a homemaker and mother of four girls.

Even when dad had extra money, he never used it on himself. I think he was always afraid that he would need the money for a rainy day. I, on the other hand, believe that life is something to experience and not observe. And that is exactly what I plan to have my father do - I want him to be an active participant, and not some old guy sitting on a park bench watching the world go by.

During the last four months we have tried to make dad as comfortable and happy as can be. So far, he has enjoyed the comfort of modern clothing*, proper fitting shoes, cotton socks, and soft bedding. Dad has experienced IMAX, a 3D movie, bowling, the Body World exhibit, Planetarium, dinner playhouse, concert, and countless culinary experiences.

I hope my father remains healthy long enough for my family to show him what it feels like to be part of a close, fun-loving, great family, who loves him. Everyone needs love, even dads who were not the greatest fathers in the world.

I am so grateful to have had this opportunity to get to know my father because now I can finally let go of all the pain, anger, and resentment of my childhood.




*recall in a much earlier post that dad used to hand wash all his clothing using a washboard! His clothing was about 40 years old and so thin that they actually fell apart in the washing machine, in my house.

Finding the Humor in Life

Friday May 28, 2010
143 days since accident
120 days in Colorado

Today the temperature hit 97.5 degrees! My father comes out of his bedroom wearing an undershirt, a long sleeve shirt over that, and then long pants with heavy knee-hi socks. I took one look at him, and like a mother sending her child back to her room to put something more appropriate on, I escorted him back to his closet to find something lighter to put on.

How should I put this? My father dresses as if he just got off the boat at Ellis Island back in 1949! When I was a child, I used to get so embarrassed when he would attend a school function. Remember the leisure suit of the 1970's? Well dad had one in lime green. He also wore bold striped pants with an equally loud (clash) shirt.

One of the first things I did when dad moved to Colorado was to take him clothing shopping. You should have seen him today! He had on a pair of dark green walking shorts a pleasant and smart looking green and blue print polo shirt and we finished it off with a pair of TEVA sandals (and no sox!)

My father looked like a younger man of 65 (remember he is nearing 90!). We drove the kids to the local family fun center for a day of laser tag, miniature golf, bumper cars, and the like and topped it off with ice-cream sundaes at Baskin & Robbins! All had a fun day!

After dinner, I figured dad would be exhausted, since he was up for the entire day. However, he wanted to watch a little television. Joey put on a movie for him and I went upstairs to finish some last minute paperwork. About fifteen minutes later, I hear dad calling my name. Joey, ran downstairs (he is faster than I am) to check on his grandfather.

A few minutes later Joey comes upstairs with a huge grin on his face. This conversation transpired between Joey(J) and his grandfather(GF):

J: Is everything ok, grandpa? Do you need something?
GF: There is a German picture on television!
J: Is that good or bad?
GF: I don't know.
J: (sitting on a chair watching the program for a few minutes) So what do you think grandpa?
GF: This is Ausweitz, where I was in the Holocaust. I thought your mother would like to come down and see this maybe we will see me there.
J: (confused for a moment and he then realized that his grandfather thinks that the movie is a documentary and that the people were real and not portrayed by actors). Grandpa, make sure you call mom or me, if you happen to see yourself or someone you remember from that time!
GF: Ok!

Oh the joys of being old and hmmm, confused?