Dad is still with us!

It has been a little over two years since dad came to live with us - he turns 92 in August.  He is doing extremely well, and me, not so well.  I am exhausted and in desperate need of a very long vacation.

When I brought dad out here two years ago I was told by the doctors that he probably wouldn't live very long.  He was so frail and sick.  I wanted to make him comfortable and to let him know that he was surrounded by family that cared about him.

I am a nurse - and I guess a pretty good one because dad is actually thriving.  Of course that is wonderful.  But the truth is I never would have brought him into my home if I knew it was going to be for the long haul.

So, now what do I do?  I can't bring myself to place him in a nursing home.  Dad never prepared for the possibility that he would spend his finally years in a nursing home.  He just assumed he would either die at home from old age or the hospital!  He also never thought he would live to be over 90 either! 

He is in a real pickle.  He can't afford one of the "good" nursing homes.  The best he can do at this point is placement in a state-run facility; and I wouldn't put a dog in one of those places!

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  My children and husband have been wonderful with the situation.  No one is overtly complaining, but I know how difficult the situation is.  I am happy to help my father, but who is going to help me? 

Now dad tells me that he wants to go on vacation with the family this summer.  Two years ago I took him to California to see his brother - they had not seen each other in over thirty years!   Dad doesn't even remember going to California!  All that effort and aggravation and he doesn't even remember going!!

Just the other day my son found dad crying in his bedroom.   Dad thought that I went on vacation and left him behind!   Is it unfair of me to not want to take him on another trip?  It was not easy - dad got confused and soiled his bed.  I was horrified and thought for sure that the hotel would charge me for the damage.  Thank goodness they didn't.

The family barely slept well during that trip because dad would get confused during the middle of the night and wander into the ajoining room and stand at the foot of my hotel bed.  He would literally stand there and just stare at us.  It felt like a bad horror movie!    The first night he did this I awoke to find him hovering over me and I let out this totally uninhibited scream.

Taking care of an elderly parent is worse than raising children.  We come into this world helpless and totally dependent on others for our care; while our elderly often find themselves in the same predicament, totally dependent on children or other caregivers.  Changing a child's diaper is one thing, changing a parent's diaper is a completely different and totally inappropriate experience.  Fortunately for me, dad is still able to perform his own personal care needs. 

Listen to me - if you get a phone call in the middle of the night to fly across the country and pick up your elderly parent, tell the person on the other end of the line that they got a wrong phone number!  Trust me, they won't put your parent out in the street.   It will buy you some time to sell off all of your possessions and leave the country! 

Only kidding - well, maybe halfway kidding...

Linda

If I Hear, "I Need Ex-Lax," One More Time!

Monday, June 14, 2010
160 days since accident
137 days in Colorado

Nurses have a responsibility to ask their patients' everyday, if they had a bowel movement. So it doesn't bother me to ask my dad the same question; and my father has no problem in describing with graphic detail the angst of his bowels!

"Why don't you give me Ex-Lax?" My father will yell to me from the bathroom! “I never had this problem in New York, it must be what you are feeding me,” he would say.

A visit to the gastroenterologist uncovered a perfectly functioning anal sphincter (muscle). “Your problem, Mr. Rosenberg, is that you are old, you need to drink lots of water, and increase your activity, walk thirty minutes a day.” The doctor would say. My father, always with a witty retort, responded, “Doctor, I may be old, but that doesn’t mean I have to be in pain all the time, why don’t you give me Ex-Lax?”

A perfectly logical response, really - I smile to myself as I watch the doctor turn away from dad to write something down on a piece of paper. He turns to me and hands me the name of a medication that can be purchased OTC (over-the-counter). I recognize the medication as a preparation given to individuals who need to clean themselves out before a colonoscopy. “This will help your dad,” he says.

Why do doctors do that? I mean, dad is sitting right there, he could have looked at dad and handed him the note. I ended up turning to dad, and telling him what the doctor should have told him directly, anyway. I know dad is difficult to understand. I am so used to his Eastern European accent that I don’t give it another thought. Still, as health care professionals, we need to speak directly to the patient, even if, an interpreter is in the room.

Dad may forget things that he used to have on the tip of his tongue, and he may ask the same question more than I would like, but he is still a person, and for a man almost 90 years old, he still has it going on upstairs.

So I remind my fellow caregivers to treat your aging family with respect and dignity and permit them as much independence as is safe to allow. And if you hear, "I need Ex-Lax," one more time, just smile and do like I do, and give them a piece of dark chocolate,if their health permits it.