Father's Day

Sunday, June 20, 2010
166 days since accident
143 days in Colorado

It has been decades since I spent a "Father's Day," with dad. Today, I experienced a mixture of excitement and sadness - the reality of which is that this may be the only one I get to share with him. In the past, I hated this celebratory day – I could never find a card that said what I really felt. I doubt Hallmark carried a line of Father’s Day cards for the man who got my mother pregnant.

So, I ordered a special cake, with layers of chocolate and white cake, nestled between custard, and covered with a white whipped cream frosting. I wrapped the matching tee shirt and baseball cap that read: Proud Grandparent of, and underneath was the name and caricature of each of his seven grandchildren. I boxed up the designer mug I made of a family-collage, and the inscription, "Grandpa Nathan's Coffee Cup." And the day went really well.

As I think about the events of the day, I come to the surprising realization that the gifts did not symbolize my parental relationship with dad, but the relationship he has with his grandchildren (my children).  Did anyone else catch the irony here? I don’t think I am punishing dad because I really am so happy that he is here and that I have the opportunity to celebrate this day with him.

The sad fact of the matter is this, my father was absent for my entire life. My mother died when I was barely eleven years old. I then spent the next seven years in foster care, and even though my foster parents were wonderful, I was constantly reminded of the fact that they were not my parents.

I really needed my father when I was a young woman venturing out on my own. I suffered needlessly, all those “firsts,” in life that I was either forced to go about on my own because my mother was dead or because my father was absent in my life. I can’t get that time back, but I also have this time with dad. I want to accept and love him for the man he is today, and not grieve what could have been.

Therefore, I took a few minutes to run downstairs to dad’s room and presented him with my father’s day card – the one that says how happy I am that he is in my life, and that I love him. Happy Father’s Day, Dad!